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oven's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2005-10-06 01:07
Subject:poem(s
Security:Public

Just typed this shit up. Unfortunately formatting is lost (it makes more sense formatted...)
wanted to make something of the fact that I typed this all up tonight. Excerpts from an epic poem. presented out of order.



Havin fun waving away
An shobin tha heap

Fap Jar Mataraques

Fram-Jammity
Scram-Bammity
Goin down tha vampire
Goin down tha vampire

Come on Come on
Jesus Christ Y’all
Come on.

Juice the frog-phenomenon
Vice-fair Pig fiasco.
Tournament gambler
Hedge-hog climber
Suitcase sunglasses
And summertime rainbows on
Yer dashboard
Hurt tha joints
Tha pregnancy
Tha toilets eat prunes.

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Date:2005-10-05 22:14
Subject:ha. I am bad at keeping this up.
Security:Public

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

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Date:2005-05-25 02:10
Subject:
Security:Public

Um. Okay.

yes.

So...where to begin? where did I leave off? I don't really know. Last thing I remember reporting was that I had flipped some bucketts. Ah yes, and that delightful anecdote about Samuel Beckett. Right.

So, today. Today I met Adam Rapp. He's so cool. We had an intimate conversation. Him, me, the cast of Red Light Winter, a few of my friends, and about 2 dozen other students and faculty. It was fun, though...and mostly it ended up being just Joey and I asking questions n stuff. Inspiring. Loved hearing him talk about putting on your own shows and stuff. Sing it bro.

Anyway. I skipped my German class to see it. I should email my professor. I've missed a hellof a lot a classes this quarter. But I got pass/fail, so i figure there's a 50/50 chance everything'll be fine.

I missed classes monday. sick as fuck. I think I had hepititus or some bullshit disease. More like a sore throat, but it was still bullshit. Catch my drift?

Um.

I'm, like, totally, super-stressed right now. I've been that way for a while, but I'm realizing that with 2 weeks left till the end of class I have a tit-load of work to finish.

I will clarify.

50 page actor packet for Othello. I have an assistant dramaturg who seems to be more on top of this than I am. Let's just say...let's just not say anything. let's just say that. ya dig?

Final project: study guide for some bullshit (good) TYA play about some bullshit japanese internment camps during some bullshit world war.

Final project: group 3 dimensional multi-sensual object depiction our feelings on the subjectivity of reality. We have ideas. All pretty lame.
Oh, and I have to do a visual response to Talk to me like the rain and let me listen TN Williams

Final exam: Yeah, German. I got pass/fail this quarter so there should be no stress, but mir haben nicht deutch (anyone who knows german knows how bad I am)

Final Performance: Solo performance. Supposed to present "rough draft" of my piece tommorow (this afternoon). Just remembered that now 1:44am

Performance: the play I thought would be maybe 3-4 rehearsal commitment, ended up being something like 18 kajillion hours of the same bullshit scenes. (it's actually a great play and I'm glad to be in it--just seems to be more convenient for some who don't seem to respect some of our...fuckit)

performance: another show in the series of new works, this one I'm directing so what I say goes. Lots of fun, minimal work, great cast, couldn't be happier.

and lots of other bullshit. I'm bored with it too.

so here's why I feel like I'm losing it: cuz I'm losing everything

Lost 2 coats last week. I now have to survive in the space between a flannel and a winter coat.

Lost 2 meals today (recovered one of them, thank god, Ike calmed me down, walked me back to the Dunkin Donuts. Turns out I just left it on the counter. the other one---god knows where I left that.)

Lost my skateboard

lost my food diary (which I was keeping to see if diet was the reason I keep losing shit.)

anyway. I feel a lot more sane these days. no idea why, but I feel like I have control over my life and all that shit again. Still, I don't know why.

I have to have to have to remember to call the O'Neill Center tommorow re: internship
and I have to have to have to remember to fax my shit (which I was supposed to do beginning of quarter) to Atl. center for Puppetry arts and Kennedy Center.

Oh yeah. I forgot that.

Oh, and cannonball. Lose the fliers.

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Date:2005-05-14 23:56
Subject:foirade
Security:Public
Mood: dorky

He explained his reaction to Jean-Paul's "disgusting" by pointing out he had certainly "chosen 'foirade' carefully," and that he was currently at work "searching for the perfect English equivalent" (to his French title ''Foirade").

"Foirade: disgusting? Utter nonsense! One foirade is a lamentable failure . . . something one attempts that is destined to fail, but must be attempted, nonetheless, because it is unquestionably worth the effort . . . thus, a lamentable failure."

At this point, it seemed that every eater in the entire restaurant was leaning in toward us, paying rapt attention to Beckett's every word. And Beckett added, with the very slightest of smiles, "Of course, foirade also means 'wet fart'!"

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Date:2005-05-12 22:48
Subject:
Security:Public

Today, only one class-design. Got out, skipped German Practicum to write. Wrote. (lots of good stuff, usable for solo-performance piece for monday) Went to German, class canceled...space out in front of class for a while. wrote some more. Bought a bunch of bannananass. went to Taco bell. Came home. Smoked bowl and painted and drew and made puppets and et cetera. Now I'm exhausted. Got a lot out of my chest (also did some tai chi)

Yesterday, crazy. Lenora pulls me into her office. We talk about my problems. She ends up recomending me a psychiatrist she knows. Crazy. she was nice to me though. very sweet. Rest of day a blur.

sleep.
adiew

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Date:2005-05-11 01:34
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: exhausted

Very tired, for good reason. What an amazing day. Good to post a positive day. Sunny day...everybody happy. adventure time

I finished homework quickly. nothing special besides desire to work. Finished hw in less than an hour (usually, the same assignment would take me at least 3 hours)

took an adventure walk with matt. We went anywhere we had never been. Steelmill doors were open because of heat...we talked to one of the workers for a while...an AMAZING experience seeing stuff I've never seen in real life before. found giant catholic churches, crazy shit.

too tired to detail the day, let's just say we walked for 4 hours and solved quaint mysteries all day. saw beautiful sights great ideas sprung from the day.

I wrote pages worth of poetry...lost it all. we took it as a sign, so it's chill.

way too tired. goodnight

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Date:2005-05-09 05:18
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: cranky

had my intake apt. with counsiling center. It was really nice. Felt good to get a few things off my chest. Also good to talk to somebody about my more confusing problems. She se me up to take a LD test next time I come in. It'll be a relief to know if there's a problem with the wiring or not. She seems to think so. We talked about everything, family, friends, the headaches I used to get, school. It was nice. I'm afraid I didn't quite talk about everything. I didn't know how to bring up the way I find myself getting lost a lot these days, or how I blank out for hours staring at a wall or something. But I felt really good for about an hour after the apt.
then I didn't feel so good no more. I started trying to edit my writing and got into one of my moods. Couldn't do anything. Got really frustrated. Decided it might be from lack of food. Treated myself to some Thai food (thai people seem to know what's up, right?) started crying in the restauraunt. Left, decided to walk home to clear the thoughts (weather's getting SOOO nice...wish I had time to enjoy it). Cried the whole way home.

On the way home, a homeless guy asked me for money, I told him I couldn't help him out, and after I passed him, he said tenderly, "It'll be okay, son." what a sad/beautiful/pathetic/cinematic image. Anyway, I went home and crashed. Talked to Anna a bit after I woke up which made me feel a bit better. Then had to go to this party up in andersonville to get a designer's phone number cuz mine flaked out and never called me back for the interview (which I am currently procrastinating from transcribing.)
The party was okay, I was in a really bad mood. Everyone was trashed, but I was playing it sober. I am getting worse and worse at social situations. Ike ended up trashed and I had to take him home. End of night.

Morning. Rawhide had come home later that night with stewart and puked all over our place. I woke up to hearing him try to blame it all on me. funny. He cleaned it all up just before Stewart's parents came over (btw, I saw Stewart in The Maderati the other day...very good. also saw The Lesson which was even better). Raw and I went out for tea. The power went out at the tea place which was really nice. I was bummed when the lights came back on but we had a good twenty minutes of blackout in the summer heat with our tea and our L. Ron Hubbard.
anyway, I went down to campus, ran some costume piece over to Stewart, interviewed K for class, saw Anna's intro, Boy Gets Girl which, I must say, I was impressed by. I have mixed feelings about the text, but Anna blew me away. So great to see my roomates act and actually LIKE them. It was kindof painful, at moments, seeing my roomate cry. I am very taken by her.

anyway, I got something like nothing done. I went home and took an undeserved nap. Woke up, took shower. Now I suppose it's time to start racing the clock before class to get all of this shit done. so it goes every weekend.

We'll talk about my second thoughts re: school some other time.

good morning,
evan.

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Date:2005-05-05 02:57
Subject:extempore poem
Security:Public

She put a fish on my plate
"try it, you'll like it"
I don't like fish.
"You'll like this."
is this pike...it...
"''s'not pike. try it. you'l like it."

Sour. Like grapefruit and sugar...

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Date:2005-05-05 02:54
Subject:guess who's back. Back again. Shady grove, my little dove.
Security:Public
Mood: rushed

So I'm starting this up again. Don't ask why. I'll tell you why. I'm fucking sad, that's why. Not sad like sad sad. More sad like...no, I guess sad's not even the word for it, but that's where I'm commng from. It's not good is what it is.
So I suppose an update is due...how i got where I am et cetera etc.
umm...summer was cool...didn't do much though. Got a piss-ass job moving a warehouse. only got one out of three of my cheques. they were lost in the mail and I'm lazy I guess. I lied to everyone and told them I got them. I'm pathetic.
Um. The rest of summer I spent soaking up the sun and smoking lots of pot. We had a routine--skateboard down to the lake, go to the end of a dock and smoke a lot of weed. talk about deep shit like how the water sometimes looks like jello. Shit like that.
Then, I dunno, things happened. meghan and I broke up for a lot of reasons. That was depressing at the time...hard to imagine nowadays.
so then school happened...you know...school. I moved into my apt. with Anna and Stewart. That's been one of the best things about this year. They've become like family. As stew said, "It's like, love man" (He smokes pot now)
whatever, I don't care so much about events and shit, here I am. Hug me, someone.
Shake my hand.
Anyway. So. Anyway.
Um.
So, right, I've been going crazy.
I mean, I've been crazy before. I've been nuts. I was pretty stable for a while, but not I done fell fallen I fell off of my rocker. Tipped it over, and now i can fix it, but I spilled stuff on it during the fall (or at least it looks that way) and I've waited so long that there's icky mold and stuff on it. And I don't much care for rocking anymore. I love the fall, just not the time on the floor, you know? so, to stick with the metaphor, I find joy in the tumbles and spins I allow myself on the floor.

Begining again.
I'm...frustrated. With myself, I think, but here's the thing:
so, like, I stopped smoking pot (cuz, you know, school, time, motivation) but I think it just made things worse. I can't get ANYTHING done. Shit just sits there. My mind wanders. or is that wonder. I wonder if they are related...wonder wander. Hm. Ph.

anyway, obseneties. SHIT FUCK COCK! SLUT!
anyway, thank yous. You're welcome! I love you! Let's do it again sometime! Now that's perfect.

But like, I'm something. ADD, OCD, NRA, something. Anna and some other friends have been pushing me for some time to see a shrink. First apt. friday.

But it's not like, CRAZY off the rocker, It's more like...lost off the rocker, right? Like, I can do stuff, just not the RIGHT KIND OF STUFF.


but the roots of the issue lie deeper in the sand.

something like, I feel like I don't enjoy dramaturgingging anymore. The homework blows. But then again, everything's been blowing. It's just a big blow fest. Like, I got this Solo Performance class which is fuckin awesome sweet and awesome, but It comes time to write something, and nothing I can write makes sense no more.

that's something to address. My writing has CHANGED.
like, CHANGED changed. Like, I dunno, Like this is the most cohearant I've been on my freewriting for months. Some of what I've written is really good shit, but mostly it's just blabbering crap. I can't diferincheeate between what comes to mind and what makes sense. So sentences get hard. I used to rock at sentances. Sentences santences. But now I'm not so good.

I am late to almost everything.
no.
I WAS late to everything. I've gotten better...I'm taking less classes this quarter cuz last time I flipped my wig (that was while I was falling off the rocker. The wig flipped first, if I can recall)
I met with Rachel, my mentor, who's fucking awesome by the way.

a word about Rachel, cuz she's been great. She's head of D-turgy and just the nicest person. I had a meeting with her about how I'm going crazy and she told me that my work wasn't crazy (which is good) and that it's okay to fall off the rocker at this time.

I take myself too seriously. That's what they all tell me.

okay, so some lists would help (lists are baffeling.)

my frustrations:
I have too many AWESOME thoughts that don't relate to ANYTHING.
(like, right now, the word and concept: "object" is fasinating...think about it. What can you classify as an object? what words derive from object? what does that imply? in fivehundred words or less.)
Too much homework that I don't really care about (because, who gives a shit about anything when you can ponder "object" all night?!?)
A side note, writing in this REALLY helps
I feel like nobody gets me. Like, nobody's interested in what I'm interested in. This has been a problem for a long time. I want to know at least ONE other person my age who still reads for fun.
i cannot sleep when I want to, but feel like I have to sleep ALL THE TIME during the day.
I can spend hours staring into space without realizing what I am doing. (daydreaming)
I feel like I'm stuck in kindergarten but everyone else has grown up
I'm amazed I ever learned how to tie my shoes.
I lose EVERYTHING (I lost my skateboard last thursday)
I can't remember anything. I write something down and I forget A)that I wrote something down B)where I wrote it C)what the hell I was thinking when I wrote it.
my present can't understand my past
i can't see the forrest for the birds and the bees.

I don't know, and FUCK YOU TOO.

I don't know if this will ever help.

Oh, but tonight, before I go to bed, I have to write a compositional analysis of a painting I chose. I love the painting, i just can't find the words.

oh right, and I keep forgetting the easiest of words. It's embarassing. It happens in class all the time and makes me look stupid cuz it looks like I don't understand what I'm saying but really I just don't remember any words that describe what I mean.

I'm taking a design class (the homework discussed a few lines previous) and, for it, I have to turn in 8 sketches of objects (snicker) but drawing HURTS. It seriously hurts the shit out of my head to try to look at something and draw it.

I wish I could draw!!

on the plus side, I think my musical abilities are improving Umpseen. I'm writing songs all the time. I want to get a keyboard soon. I play with my neighbor's equipment (they're sound engineers) it's really fun.

Possible futures I am considering (besides the theater path):
Early education teacher (kindergarten through 2nd grade)
music producer (fantasy)
choreographer

I want to start acting again

I've been writing:
an opera for the senses
a ballet
a lot of really bad poetry.

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Date:2004-06-18 04:44
Subject:sigh
Security:Public

I suppose:
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Date:2004-06-18 03:12
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: nauseated

At the risk of posting my own poetry, I am posting my own poetry:

Be kind: Grow old;
stop staggering pale-faced and
backpedaling into the tunnels of trust.
cease your swan-riding habits
Of leaning in for a kiss in the murky waters of treeshadows.
cleanse yourself of mercy and stop looking for justice.
Spit on the galaxies divorced from our sun
and suck from the foreign oils of
long forgotten sea creatures
and pick out your belly button with your fingernails.

Stop battling for the spittle of rare orchids;
put hooks in your belly and fight for juice.
Piss on the nearest peacock
and leave your scent on the earth
so that it reeks of peppermint
and fishguts

Put one ear to a woman’s breasts
and leave the other hollow

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Date:2004-04-12 22:12
Subject:
Security:Public

I know I've been pretty absent from posting regularly, but I just had to say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLI!!!

I will always love you.

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Date:2004-01-17 19:59
Subject:stolen from trestleboy
Security:Public

1st 30 songs on my playlist when put on random:
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Date:2004-01-09 14:34
Subject:
Security:Public

I knoq I haven't posted. Don't plan on posting much more. Need emails of cool people on my list so I can keep in contact.
my dad sent this to me:
http://www.liberaloasis.com/bushin41point2.htm

and I took this from the eyeball kid:

~If I were a day of the week I would be: thursday
~If I were a time of day I would be: the midnight sun. isn't that poetic. Naw, I'd be dusk

~If I were a planet I would be: mercury

~If I were a direction I would be: south

~If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a fouton

~If I were a historical figure I would be: Vasco de Gamma

~If I were a liquid I would be: mercury

~If I were a stone, I would be: granite

~If I were a tree, I would be: pine

~If I were a bird, I would be: calico owl

~If I were a tool, I would be: ostioclast

~If I were a flower/plant, I would be: privet

~If I were a kind of weather, I would be: fog

~If I were a musical instrument, I would be: jaw harp

~If I were an animal, I would be: a dragonfly

~If I were a color, I would be: peamush green

~If I were an emotion, I would be: apathy

~If I were a vegetable, I would be: celery

~If I were a sound, I would be: buzz

~If I were an element, I would be: hydrogen

~If I were a car, I would be: el camino

~If I were a song, I would be: "Is that all there is?" or "A dog came in the kitchen and stole a crust of bread..."

~If I were a movie, I would be directed by: larry clark (p'shaw. more like Tom Hanks)

~If I were a book, I would be written by: Donald Barthelme

~If I were a food, I would be: kid's cuisine

~If I were a place, I would be: under the table, within the little splintery holes

~If I were a material, I would be: velcro

~If I were a scent, I would be: coffee

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Date:2003-12-21 23:52
Subject:
Security:Public

how much I wish I didn't have work tommorow: 11
How much I wish money weren't an issue: A fucking lot
How much I am pissed off at George W. Bush and the rest of this fucking crumbling society? A million
How much I'd like to punch that fucking guy with the headphones at game 6 of the World series more than anything

BAAAH!

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Date:2003-12-18 20:29
Subject:
Security:Public

oh. I got a job. I got a call on tuesday, ran up to a temp agency so that I could work on Wednsday. I already hate it. I am the hospital's bitch right now. I love when I am left to do MY JOB...meaning the job that I was designated: packing shit up in boxes. I'm good at it. I can do it alone. I am peaceful and a damn good worker. I often find myself not doing my job though. I do other peoples' job...I finish my packing and have to help other people with their things so when they are done I can pack their stuff. Hi ho. I guess I'm just a little paranoid because they own my urine which is one of the strangest feelings in the world. Actually...the hospital doesn't own my urine (though I gave them a sample a few months ago...damn I'm a urine whore!) the temp agency does.

...anyway. I've been busy.

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Date:2003-12-15 23:57
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: bored

I am so fucking bored right now. It is driving me insane. I dred going to bed because I know the sooner I go to sleep the sooner I will wake up and the longer tommorow will have to be.

On a side note, I love kiss_the_muse just a little bit more now that I got her delightful xmas card. She and trestleboy are getting mixed CDs for answering the quiz thing I did earlier. Way to go. (it may take a while because I just realized all of my blank cds are in Chicago) I'll ask you your addresses and try to understand your musical tastes a little later. I have music to suit any taste...unless you like Toby Keith. Can't help you there. Maybe I could stab you in the ear or something.

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Date:2003-12-14 19:57
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: apathetic

Q: How do you make a livejournal survey seem less pathetic?
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Date:2003-12-11 10:10
Subject:
Security:Public

is it not impossbile to not not fall in love with this woman???
http://bobanddavid.com/video/mbar3/bob_bri_sarah_5_pop5.html

"...because when God gives you AIDS...Make lemonAIDS"

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Date:2003-12-11 09:30
Subject:
Security:Public

I can't understand why Jessica Alba won't return my messages!

"Dear Jessica,
plz show ur titties in ur next movie. it would b so kewl!
best wishes,
Evan M. Fillon
(your biggest fan)"

how's that sound?

or how about the more sensitive/elaborate:

"Jess Jess,
I know it may go against what your ideals. I understand that you want to be respected as an actress without degrading yourself like so many others by showing cheap shots of skin. However, I find your movies suck ass and you can't act. You will not be able to last another year unless you show us those boobs of yours. Your recent appearance in Maxim was disgusting. Have some self respect and take off your shirt. PLEASE!

best regards,
Evan Fillon
ps. you can IM me on AIM at "Albatityfan007" if you want to discuss this further"

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